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Tale of Two Mothers.

April 20, 2013

This is a tale of two mothers. A tale of love and loss and longing. A tale about YES and a tale about NO.

And ultimately, a tale that can only be written by the One who is the Author all all things. His ways are perfect.

And as I wrote to  my clients this week:

“If you hear the word NO, or not this time, on this journey, remind your heart that it is NOT rejection, it is REDIRECTION! Every step of this journey leads to the YES God has for you, and He has and will continue to put NO’s in front of us to direct us into His perfect will.”

FRIDAY, APRIL 19, 2013

Tale Number One

Unveiling the “No.”

by Chasity Cole at “All Things His” 

Some of our domestic adoption process has been shared here, much of it has not. There are a myriad of reasons to share, and a myriad of reasons to not. Today is a day for sharing a little of the past process. Today is a day for unveiling the “No.”

It was January and the coldness of winter along with the roller coaster emotions of adoption had worn this heart thin. The match that would months later bring us our Ava, at the time looked precarious. There was this precious one that had been born about a month prior. He was still in the NICU. He still needed a momma, a daddy, a family. We heard his story. We saw his face. He melted our hearts.

He had “problems”, “issues” the intensity of which weren’t fully known. He had special needs. Special needs I had prayed through two pregnancies that our children would NOT have. Now, years later I found myself begging God for the opportunity to mother this precious soul through the trials ahead. The needs didn’t seem so scary once they had a face.

We asked for our profile to be shown to his birth mother. We prayed that she would be drawn to his family, and we believed that would be us. I sent texts to close friends sharing the details, asking for prayer for God’s will to be done above all. We picked out a name to suit his tiny face. I gazed at his picture on my phone as we waited for days to hear an answer. We prayed more for God’s will to be done.

And it was.

God’s will was done.

It was Saturday morning and I was sitting in the truck watching as Alex shot his bow and arrow and Levy and Jude ran to look at farm animals nearby. The sun was shining, but the wind was cold. My cell phone rang and at the sight of the phone number the somersaults in my stomach began again.

God’s will be done.

And it was.

And the answer was yes! Yes God had joined this sweet boy with his family. No, that family wasn’t us. I would not mother this small boy. His issues wouldn’t become part of our daily logistics. The dam broke and the tears flowed.

As Jonathan came to inquire all I could do was shake my head. He understood. No words were needed. His arms held me. God’s arms held me too.

The day was dark even with the son brightly shining. The Enemy’s arrows were flung at my tender heart. His armor was greater than the Enemy’s arrows, however.

As grief of the son I wouldn’t have gave way to peace and joy for the boy who had found a family, my heart turned from sore to soaring. God had drawn my heart into this tiny boy’s life, not to mother him, but to surround him in prayer. To take those arrows that the Enemy had flung, and dip them in the blood of Christ then fling them back at the Enemy.

As I came to know the family that would welcome this son home, the love that flowed from his momma was obvious. She shared about him, his gloriousness, her joy, their needs, and I prayed… and I praised…and I prayed.

The peace and joy that filled my life those days I can tell you could not have been present apart from the love of Christ and His arms firmly about me.

He had lovingly unveiled the “No.” to me so that 2 1/2 months later my eyes would alight on the face of our “Yes.”, our Ava Grace. My heart burst with love at my first glance of her, and as my love flowed to her I could feel His love flowing over me.

Today I see Precious Boy with his family and our precious Ava in ours and I cannot imagine life any other way. He is so clearly where he belongs, and Ava is so clearly my daughter.

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In my humanness I might have wished to arrange the circumstances and to have avoided some pain, but in His deity God knew what we all needed…He knows what we all need.

Be encouraged in your no’s that He is leading you to His will for you.

Precious Boy and his Momma.
Picture of love, don’t you think?

(On a side note, in domestic adoption we heard many no’s. The one spoken of here, is the one that was most set apart from the rest by our God.)

Tale Number Two:

Have Thine Own Way Lord

By Natalie Howell at Natalie Howell Photography
Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Thou art the Potter, I am the clay.
Mold me and make me after Thy will,
While I am waiting, yielded and still.This song brings me back to when I was a little girl sitting next to my Mommy and Daddy in church.  The Spirit has been singing this song in my ear this afternoon.I can’t think of anything that this song describes better, than the adoption process.  It is long, tiresome, difficult, expensive, life changing, mind altering, heart racing, disappointing, and glorious.  Most will tell you the hardest part is the wait.  My closest friends will attest to the heartache that I experienced on so many days as God revealed a “no” to a particular baby or situation.  Each time I would question myself, my family, our adoption profile…..and wonder WHY we weren’t being chosen.  Was is that we had 4 children?  Was it that we homeschooled?  Did they not like our home?  Did they think we didn’t make enough money?  We were unattractive to them?  In my heart I knew that it was purely because God had a specific child for us, but try telling my mind that!  I prayed for God to close the doors that weren’t meant for us, but every time He did I would be disappointed.  It’s human nature.

Then came Selah.  This time last year I was finding out I was pregnant with her.  I mouned at first, in the midst of the excitement.  I cried when Stephanie at the Down Syndrome Adoption Network called to tell me about a baby girl due in August.  I was losing a baby to gain one.  I was over the moon happy to be pregnant and yet surprisingly sad at the same time to not be adopting.  By 16 weeks I had reconciled it all and was just plain EXCITED for my baby to arrive!  Then she died.

Immediately I threw myself into updating our homestudy.  Out of obedience, and out of the need to stay busy and remind myself that God had a plan.  We endured 4 months of someone pretending they had a baby that they wanted us to adopt.  We prepared and waited for that long for a baby that did not exist.  Then we waited on multiple birth families to decide that we weren’t the one.  I would cry each time.

In December, the holidays were here, my due date was approaching and my heart was hurting terribly.  I was crying out to God to bring His plan to fruition quickly!  Two years was long enough!  I’m hurting Lord, hear my cries!!!  I was angry at times and I would go to the basement and cry out to Him.  He listened each time as I questioned Him and I’m sure He was whispering “He’s coming my child….Caleb’s coming.”  And then a few days before my due date we heard about a precious baby boy.  He was already born and he had Down Syndrome.  He was in California, a beautiful Asian baby, and I just KNEW this was it.  God was going to do this thing….and on my due date!  He was going to reconcile it all for me.  Put a baby in my arms by the time Selah would have arrived.

On my due date I once again locked myself in our library in the basement and cried out in anger to my ever loving and patient Father after I received my final NO.  I was just mad.  He had tricked me.  I was sad.  He had abandoned me.  It had been too long.  I was tired of waiting and losing hope.  I remember calling a close friend and saying “I don’t think it’s really going to happen”.

Meanwhile, a 3 week old baby boy sat in the NICU of a hospital in Florida.  God’s angels were surrounding him telling him all about me.  How loving is my Father to allow me to yell and  scream and pout and question Him, and still give me this blessing that He had waiting for me.  I heard about Caleb on January 18th, 5 days after Selah was due.  He was a month old by then.  My heart had LONGED for that precious baby boy with Down Syndrome.  My plan was so awesome.  He was going to be mine!  But my Sovereign God, in all His power and goodness and knowledge said no.  Of course He said no!  I can see it now!!!!  I’m so glad He didn’t hear my pleas for that baby and give me MY way!  I’m so glad He placed him in an amazing home with a beautiful family.  I’m so glad He urged me to contribute to that little guys adoption fund.  Mould me and make me.  Yes, Lord.  I’ll give.  I’ll help this baby go somewhere else when I really want him here with me.  Why?  Because I trust you, even if I act like I don’t.  I believe in the moment I said that, that God opened the doors for Caleb to come to us.

Adoption is a journey, not just to a baby, but to the heart of God.  He has moulded me and tried me and I’m a work in progress.  It’s so hard to be yielded and still in this process.  My hope is that those going through this adoption journey will find hope knowing that God has you on a journey.  His love never fails, so don’t give up.  His ways are higher than yours, so don’t lose hope.  His plan is better than yours, so trust Him through the tears.

On that Saturday morning when the agency called me and I FINALLY heard God say yes……someone else was hearing a no.  Another broken heart…and her journey continued.  Today God put it all together and reminded me of His perfect plan once again.  It’s a journey to His heart.

Please read my precious friend’s post about my YES and her NO….and I hope it reminds you that His ways are higher.  Much love to every one of you on this journey.  May you know His heart even more. [shared above]

One day, I will share her blog post with Caleb.  One day he will see how desireable and precious and needed he was.  And all those lies of the enemy about abandonment and being unwanted will be just that….lies.  Thank you my sweet friend, for sharing your heart, your hurt, and your journey to His heart.

Also, I’d like to mention that when I met Caleb’s birthmother, she looked at me and said “Your profile was amazing.  I read it and was like…are these people for real?”  I almost cried right then as all the feelings of the past rejections came back to me.  I told her that after having so many NOs……that I was beginning to wonder if there was something seriously wrong with our family.  She responded with a smile, “That’s just because it was just meant for me”.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. April 22, 2013 4:36 pm

    This post was such a blessing to my heart. My husband and I have experienced two failed adoptions in 9 weeks time and we have often asked questions of ‘does God not want us to be parents? is there something wrong with us?’. This was such beautiful reminder that He is working ALL of these nos together so that He can bring us the child that was meant for our home. Thanks for the beautiful encouragement!!!

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